I choose me.

I choose me..

 

I read this today (if you want to click on the link to see the image, you can do that of course) but the content of this struck me (I will share it here):

 

“Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away.
I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose me”
~Daniel Keopke.

I thought this was profound when I read it. As a nice former (key word) people pleaser who was raised on self sacrifice, generosity and giving of myself too often I forgot myself in that equation. When I reviewed my life I realized this as I was losing weight this past year.

I think that being giving, caring, loving and even a level of self sacrifice is good and even noble and a spiritual virtue but not at the cost of losing myself and who and what I am to myself. If I can’t do what I need for self care and self love I cannot love another truly. And if my goal is to love fully, deeply richly I have to rethink this I found. Too many times I overate in resentment because I was over extending my own limits and boundaries of what I truly wished to do (even with my generous heart) to the point of and almost toxic unhappiness. I stuffed it all down with sweets for the sweetness I really needed to give myself instead of the junk and sugars.

 

“To thine own self be true.” There is some truth in that.

To be true to myself (and thus to others) I have to give myself permission to explore my life, to exercise and to have and make the time to do that, to walk away from housework and not be perfect at the menial or unimportant details that clogged my days because I thought that was what I “THOUGHT” I was supposed to do. To insist with those who don’t find the temptations of high carb, high fat, sugar laden, wasted junk food calories an issue to understand I can’t have these things around me and I won’t. I won’t.

Respect is what I had to insist on to feel I deserved it and to reap the rewards. I have a husband I love dearly but he is thin, healthy as can be and can eat anything. He means well and did not realize fully what an impact certain foods had on me when they surrounded me each night. Chocolates, ice creams, popcorn, chips, sweets, etc etc until it added up to yet another 20 pounds on my frame. One night I looked him in the eye and said, “Do you want me to live?” and of course he said, “yes” but he balked at the idea of not having these things each night. I struck a compromise that did not compromise me. I told him there was a long list of snack foods that he liked (but I did not) that I had no problem with and that he could eat anything in his shop or somewhere where I didn’t see him at any time. He mentioned the word, “will power” and at that point I was sure it was going to be war (but one I would mount for my life and my well being). After all, wouldn’t I fight hard for someone I love (even if I didn’t know her well yet?). I told him this. (I hate to fight.) Somehow when I insisted it mattered.

I felt in this small step and the hundreds since then (over 118 pounds ago) that I have more worth, more happiness, more love, more giving and more joy in the quality of my own life.  It’s richness has increased and I am sure those around me feel it. But even if they didn’t….

I choose me. I choose me.

 

 

In one year, thoughts on life, GOALS, weight loss and starting to get where I want to go….

One this in true I think, it is HARD (sometimes feels TOO hard) to get started. I am glad I did. It is almost a year since I had weight loss surgery. I have lost 20 inches on my waist alone and over 107 pounds. What a life changer that is but taking the first steps and following them with more little important steps and so on could feel overwhelming, especially in the beginning. Was it scary and hard, of course it was! BUT this blog is NOT about weight loss surgery it IS about reclaiming and claiming something of mine (or yours) that I want for my life! The surgery was just one of my little steps. An important one yes, but it was only a step. I have more weight to lose, fitness goals and life goals and then there is maintenance as a healthy eating individual. It isn’t about the surgery, it IS about life.

Does it matter if you are having surgery of this type or starting a weight loss regime of your own, or a gym/workout regime or whatever. The first step is the hardest! Following it up with other steps is the next hardest….

One of my favorite sayings is this:

“A journey of three thousand miles is begun with a single step.”

If the goal seems far far away it can be even more daunting. For me in the beginning it was – 1) go to the seminar

2) go the doctor and check him/her out

3) go to the free support groups and see how people did

4) find out all I could about it online

5) do my pre-op stuff (lots of doctors appointment and lab work)

6) get insurance approval

7) make SURE I had the right stuff in the house like protein drinks and vitamins

8) read “Weight loss surgery for Dummies” 🙂

and so on up until the day of the surgery.

That day I took one single tiny step and showed up, trusted them (it was scary) and just did it.

Then in the hospital postop I did what they said.

Same when I got home.

I added walking many times a week and from a coach potato I walk no less than 8 miles a week (usually much much more than that). It is the MENTAL part of this that is the hardest thing I think. Just taking that step mentally and following by action. But you only have to do ONE step and follow it with another, then another and so on.

And on and on. All things together in my mind would have seemed impossible. It is not. I am not that special (well sort of but you know what I mean, ordinary human person) but I decided I was NOT going to ask myself this-

IN A YEAR would I look back and wonder where I would be that day if I had taken the steps I wanted to get to my goals in life a year before or would I still be looking at the starting point?

What are your goals? What do YOU personally want to do?

• Do you want to climb a mountain but need to train?
• Do you want to run the Boston Marathon but can only walk a block?
• Do you want to lose weight to get into that cute bikini but need to make the decision?
• Do you want to hike the Appalachian Trail from Canada to the end but have to take the training to get this done?
• Do you want to go to college and get another or your first degree?
• Do you want to travel abroad but need to save the money to be able to go?
• Do you want to sail around the USA and eventually around the world in your sailboat but need to figure out everything to be able to take that year off and pursue your dream?
• Do you want to go to Rome and see every sight and learn the language?
• Do you want to go to a real yoga retreat in India but know there is much you need to do in preparation?
• Do you want to walk a mile a day but are so sedentary you are only on the sofa watching TV?
• Do you want to become and artist but have to take lessons?
• Do you want to do things you have only dreamed about but have been procrastinating for 20 years?
• Do you want to be a bodybuilder but only go to the gym now and then and keep putting it off?

 

THE TIME HAS COME TODAY!

Make it happen for yourself and don’t get discouraged. Others are falling down and getting up again everywhere around the world all the time! Just do it, take that first simple tiny step. Make those steps little, tiny and manageable and build on that. If you have a bad day or week just dust yourself off and just go for it again!

 

I do this in so many places in my life each and every day and the steps are getting stronger and bolder and easier each day!

It is my one and only life and I want to make it count (don’t you?) so I am taking that journey.

I know in one year I will look back happy. I won’t be on my sofa watching reruns wondering where my life went. I will have reclaimed my life and people if I can do it I have no doubt you can!

So what exactly a “reclaimed life”? Metamorphisis…

I think this needs examined a little.

First I think something needs to be lost first perhaps. Or it can be something that one needs to lose. Weight isn’t just all there is in this. With such an attitude I am finding this blog about weight loss is purely not about weight loss but needs to evolve somehow.

So evolve into what? Metamorphosis is the word. What is my personal metamorphosis? For what ever reason I allowed myself to get lost in obesity. I don’t even remember particularly how or why it started. After I get the great nutrition down and underway it is kind of moot except that personal self awareness and self honesty I MUST have to not go back to that deep dark unmoving, immobile space of obesity and zero life.

Second, I have to decide what it is I WANT? What do I want? I want to be part of life, of love, of involvement, of love, of laughter or owning the good and the bad and laughing on into my own destiny NO MATTER where I am at that moment. I want to redesign, to refashion my own life on the fly and own it. I want to be an evolutionary being, a sentient creature who is connected. Connected to myself is first to pardon the touchy-feely here. Then connected to others, included those significant in my life. First and always be true to my being.

It is my life. I want it, I crave it and where I might not (might) climb Mount Everest now, I might climb Mount St. Helens or Mount Manfield or my beloved Appalachian trail. (I have walked 1.2 miles of it which doesn’t do my goals justice, lol)

I can taste it.

When I was “tasting” everything buried in food I had zero taste of life. Now I am getting the gingery flavors of life, zest and passion!

Metamorphosis indeed…

This is my evolutionary quest!

22 Things Happy People Do Differently – Positive Way | Positive Way

22 Things Happy People Do Differently – Positive Way | Positive Way.

I though this was pretty awesome, not to mention inspired. I try to live my life exactly like this and can’t believe I ran into the reminder on my path today.