Posts Tagged ‘journey’

I choose me..

 

I read this today (if you want to click on the link to see the image, you can do that of course) but the content of this struck me (I will share it here):

 

“Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away.
I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose me”
~Daniel Keopke.

I thought this was profound when I read it. As a nice former (key word) people pleaser who was raised on self sacrifice, generosity and giving of myself too often I forgot myself in that equation. When I reviewed my life I realized this as I was losing weight this past year.

I think that being giving, caring, loving and even a level of self sacrifice is good and even noble and a spiritual virtue but not at the cost of losing myself and who and what I am to myself. If I can’t do what I need for self care and self love I cannot love another truly. And if my goal is to love fully, deeply richly I have to rethink this I found. Too many times I overate in resentment because I was over extending my own limits and boundaries of what I truly wished to do (even with my generous heart) to the point of and almost toxic unhappiness. I stuffed it all down with sweets for the sweetness I really needed to give myself instead of the junk and sugars.

 

“To thine own self be true.” There is some truth in that.

To be true to myself (and thus to others) I have to give myself permission to explore my life, to exercise and to have and make the time to do that, to walk away from housework and not be perfect at the menial or unimportant details that clogged my days because I thought that was what I “THOUGHT” I was supposed to do. To insist with those who don’t find the temptations of high carb, high fat, sugar laden, wasted junk food calories an issue to understand I can’t have these things around me and I won’t. I won’t.

Respect is what I had to insist on to feel I deserved it and to reap the rewards. I have a husband I love dearly but he is thin, healthy as can be and can eat anything. He means well and did not realize fully what an impact certain foods had on me when they surrounded me each night. Chocolates, ice creams, popcorn, chips, sweets, etc etc until it added up to yet another 20 pounds on my frame. One night I looked him in the eye and said, “Do you want me to live?” and of course he said, “yes” but he balked at the idea of not having these things each night. I struck a compromise that did not compromise me. I told him there was a long list of snack foods that he liked (but I did not) that I had no problem with and that he could eat anything in his shop or somewhere where I didn’t see him at any time. He mentioned the word, “will power” and at that point I was sure it was going to be war (but one I would mount for my life and my well being). After all, wouldn’t I fight hard for someone I love (even if I didn’t know her well yet?). I told him this. (I hate to fight.) Somehow when I insisted it mattered.

I felt in this small step and the hundreds since then (over 118 pounds ago) that I have more worth, more happiness, more love, more giving and more joy in the quality of my own life.  It’s richness has increased and I am sure those around me feel it. But even if they didn’t….

I choose me. I choose me.

 

 

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Why “The Reclaimed Life” as a blog name?……..reclaiming my life

I have made this my first post but it is a new thing for me to “blog” (strange word, blog) and it didn’t get posted. I lost the original post as I just didn’t know for sure how to post it. Perhaps this is good, it lets me know my sentiments ARE somehow from my heart, soul and mind and it is the content that may actually improve as I write……

I don’t expect to share this blog though I may.

I am writing this because I need to express myself and my journey which seems so very human, to record a journey.

My weight loss surgery is on April 12, 2013. I am having the gastric sleeve done. I have no/zero problems losing weight but continuing and to lose is a different matter as is changing all the behaviors that led me here.

I am not fat for any other reason that I love to eat. The foods I chose however, are not the best for my nourishment, for  my life or my health – fats, sweets and junk (even if disguised as “baked chips”).

I am now reclaiming my life. I have almost lost it many times through natural disasters such a Katrina, serious health issues, car accidents (many) and even cancer but I have survived. Now I truly wish to live!

 

I am reclaiming my life!

What have I lost by this weight I carry? My bucket list is long and detailed and I physically can’t do it.

I can’t walk through Rome, through Paris, through Europe in general. I can climb stairs to just about anywhere.

I had long longed to walk the Appalachian Trail from Canada to Georgia as a lifelong goal and though I suspect my goals now are more realistic I can’t help but with I could. For now I am setting my sights on the park nearby with the 2 miles walking/running track. It is gorgeous and a huge reason why I moved here this January (it has been a big year) to be able to walk. So far I can do only about 350 steps. I bring a scooter to walk/ride/walk/ride. I will change this. It is just a matter of time and discipline and the will to do so. I want not to walk that long arduous trail but this little one with beautiful paths, walkways, bridges, birds, lagoons and so much nature ….and walk one mile. It is now my goal.

 

 

I had a poignant moment not even a year ago when I was on my honeymoon (yes, I am a newlywed and am over 50!) when I could not join my husband to jet ski as I was too overweight and under conditioned to pull myself up on the jet ski. It was a pivotal point for me. I had had one other one a few years earlier and it was during Hurricane Katrina when I stayed with a couple in the city of New Orleans and was trapped by the flood waters and the heat. It was no fun (an understatement)but what truly bothered me is I couldn’t even attempt to save myself as I wasn’t strong enough or conditioned enough to walk through even ankle deep waters. Where I was stuck it was up to the chest in some places. It hit me strong that the one mile or less it would have taken me to walk to get to higher ground was not possible for me.

 

I should be able to save myself shouldn’t I?

I know my answer.

I am about to reclaim my life and this is my journey now. I thought for several hours about the title of this blog and here it is.

My journey…….

“a journey of three thousand miles is begun with a single step..”

My gastric sleeve surgery is on April 12th, ……